402

09.24.2003

Last night, I finally managed to both find and purchase a set of scales that would (hopefully) handle my weight. For the past 3 years (at least) when I go to the doctor, my weight is listed as 350+ since their scales only go to 350lbs.

"Scales that only go to 350" isn't a good thing to have in your vocabulary.

So I bought the new scales, took them home, set them on the hard floor and prepared myself for the worse.

402

402 pounds. That's me. I was trying to imagine what 402 lbs actually is. In his prime, Hulk Hogan weighed 302 lbs, and he's got at least half a foot on me. A 1972 Suzuki GT380 motorcycle weighed 402 lbs. The N809S Glider can carry a maximum of 402 lbs, but that doesn't really help with what the weight is (but handy to know if I ever find myself in a pick-a-hanglider-or-die situation). The shipping weight of an original Missile Command arcade game is 402 lbs. The 2001 Texas State Record Squat (16-17 year old div.) was 402 lbs.

The bright side is that one guy managed to lose 402 lbs! Of course, it was using Herbalife, but once you get to a certain size you have to start trying everything.

Now I have to start figuring out what all to try.

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Confused Crazy Uncle Russ

09.23.2003

In my never ending quest to both drive Jerry and Elaine crazy while providing a bad influence to their daughter, I've been trying to find the right time to bestow upon young Hellzapoplin the gift of the Wiggles. They have the perfect tunes to get stuck in a young mind (do a Kazaa search for "Fruit Salad"), which should dirve her parents mad as she toddles around making music. But I think she may have a little longer before the tunes can take hold of her mind properly.

I happened upon the Wiggles one morning while flipping channels during breakfast. I paused because I was confused by four grown men with horrible acting skills looking like they really didn't want to be there, singing their little ditties. It was hilarious. After that, I noticed that the cd player above the entrance to Toys R Us is always playing Wiggles songs.

Lately I've been getting up earlier (pre Wiggle o'clock evidently), so my channel surfing has uncovered another cute show: Hi 5. The best part about this show is that it's got hot chicks! I thought I would find out more about these hot chicks, so a search lead me to their official fan site. The only problem is, these are totally different hot chicks! It looks like there's an Austrailian version and a TLC version. What the hell is going on here? Is one an evil counterpart of the other? Do both share catchy childrens tunes? Are they heading toward an ultimate battle showdown where only the victor will be known as "Hi 5"? Now I have no idea what to poison young Hellzapoplin's mind with. The horror! The tragedy!

Wait, this means double the hot chicks. Maybe this isn't so bad after all. (Now I sneak off to listen to some Wiggles "Fruit Salad"...)

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Motorcycles Aplenty

09.22.2003

These weekend was the annual Trail of Tears ride, which basically equates to me not going anywhere on Saturday, since Hwy 72 is blocked off for a couple of hours to let thousands of motorcycles run redlights. Ok, it may not be that bad, but the first year I was in the house I got caught on the wrong side of the road coming home from Wal Mart. I was only half a mile from home, but I was caught where the motorcycles were turning on 72, and therewas no way for me to cross the street. After an hour, I was finally able to sneak across and make it home.

I tried thinking over the weekend about the importance of the Trail of Tears. I remember reading about it in high school. But that day we might have spent reading about the Trail of Tears was overshadowed by the endless months each year spent studying the Civil War. I swear every year we spent 12 weeks on the Revolutionary War, 18 weeks on the Civil War, and crammed the rest of world and american history into what was left.

Nyah, I'm not bitter. I'm just forever biased against learning anything about the Civil War.

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Is This Covered In The Constitution?

09.17.2003

Los Angeles Bans Lap Dancing in Strip Clubs. Noooooooo! Who would ever think you could do something in Alabama (barring Nascar or some typical redneck thing) that you can't do in Los Angeles. My favorite comment in the article is " The ordinance, passed unanimously despite stiff opposition ..."

34 years old and I still snicker at penis jokes.

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Dark Tower

09.16.2003

Way back when (evidently 1981), I begged and begged my Mom to get me the Dark Tower game. It was one of the early electronic games that threw in a dash of D&D. My favorite feature, being an introverted only child, was that you could play it in a one-player mode. I probably played that game for years.

As is the way of the world, you can get almost any Dark Tower part, or even the complete game, on Ebay. Right now there's a mint, in box game for $295. Even I've got better things to do with $300 than buy a 22 year old game.

I shouldn't have said 22 year old game. Now I feel ancient.

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